My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
