My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
