I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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