whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
its liver damage thursday
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
