i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
