Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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