What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
