Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
