i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
