I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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