So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
