yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
