Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
