I just saw a hot homeless man
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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