Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
