he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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