Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
