I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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