Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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