i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
