I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
