Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
