How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
