I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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