I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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