I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
