Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
