if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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