I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
