where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There r osticjed everywhere
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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