She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
