We named our party play list daddy issues
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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