I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
