I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
