he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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