He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
