I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
