Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
grandma shit on top of the toilet
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
