someone owes me an orgasm
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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