He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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