Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
