Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
