and my herpes radar will keep us safe
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
