I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
