thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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