he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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