I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
