she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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