What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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