I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
