im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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