Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
