Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
