you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
